The Thirsty Merc
by NothingNooneZero
Summary: She wasn't impressed. Not at all. Wade Wilson was dead, a vigilante mutant in a tight red and black number was stalking her and to top it all off? Apparently, the world needed her. This wasn't what she signed up for and she blamed Weasel.


The Thirsty Merc: A Deadpool fanfiction

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own 'Deadpool', nor any adaptions, portrayals, or any part of the franchise in any way, shape or form. If I did…

"Well, hello gorgeous! You can dress up and be my sexy, little nurse any day. Just promise me you'll use those silky fucking hands of yours and maybe be a little rough… especially if you're gonna poke me with something." Penelope Langly was highly unimpressed when she heard the dulcet tones of Wade Wilson's voice waltzing through her door.

"Get on the table, Wilson." The man clapped, well, attempted to. He did a good job considering his arm was hanging limply by his side.

"Now that's more like it. How do you want me? Bent over backwards? Head down, ass up? Oh, beautiful, I've been dreaming of this since I met ya'." He winced as she grabbed his arm, pulling it back and jerking it forward in one, fluid motion. "Fuck! Shit! Damn, filthy whorebag!"

"You know the deal. Now get." She jerked her thumb towards the door and Wade held his hands up.

"C'mon babe. I was just messing with you. You know I love you, right? I truly, madly, deeply do." He said, moving his arm and testing it.

"What was it this time?" He rolled his eyes.

"Seriously? Why do you have to know? What's in it for you? Does it even _matter_?" She levelled a glare at him and he caved. "It was a simple one." He began. The look she gave him had him reiterating his sentence at speeds of light. "Okay, so I bit off a bit more than I could chew. Figuratively and literally." She motioned for him to lift his shirt and he did, smirking the whole time. He was warned with another look and she pursed her lips as she took in the gaping wound that was presented to her.

"How in the Hell did you even get yourself here?" She fetched the sutures, dressings, needle and antibacterial swabs. "Wade," he grinned like a kid at Christmas at the use of his first name, "you need to be more careful. You're not indestructible." He rolled his eyes, having heard this spiel one too many times over.

"Not indestructible _yet_. Yet. You always forget that bit."

"Wade."

"Penelope." She let out a sigh of exasperation. "Okay, look: all jokes aside, I'll try harder not to get injured. Okay? I _promise_. And I'm saying and doing this only because it's you. And I love you. Like, seriously. I really, really do. You're like, the Taylor to my Swift. You _belong_ with me. It's a love story, baby: just say 'yes'." She finished stitching the wound, cleaning it once more before applying the dressing. There was a moment of silence as she stood in front of him, their eyes locked on one another's. Wade stood up, caught up in the moment, and moved to her, leaning down to meet her lips with his. He was rudely interrupted by a sound slap to the face. He looked at Penelope, completely gobsmacked. "Wha? What was that for? We were totally having a moment! You were supposed to kiss me."

"Any more of that shit, Wilson, and you're bandaging your own fucking wounds. Got that?" She rolled her eyes and set about sanitising the room, readying it for her next patient. Wade walked out of the building in a slight daze.

"I swear to you I'm not crazy," he said aloud as he walked down the street. "We _were_ having a moment. I mean, I didn't read the signs wrong. Uh-uh. She _wants_ me. She's just so shy and professional. That's it. That's totally it."

''

"That's not it, Wade." The blonde man behind the bar told him.

"Oh, come on!"

"She's out of your league man. Wayyyyyy out of your league." Wade just gave him a look of disbelief.

"You're supposed to be on my side here, man."

"This is sad, Wade. _You're_ sad, Wade."

"She's not out of my league!"

"She's so far out of it that they haven't found a name for it. It's like, a mirage in the desert or something. It's, it's like an aardvark trying to get it on with a unicorn or like, uh, Professor Umbridge trying to fuck Sirius. It's never going to happen, my friend."

"Hey! First of all, aardvarks are fucking awesome and you know it. Secondly, don't you ever mention that pink, whore toad again. Ever. Especially if you're using it to compare me and my life in any way. Do you understand?" He grabbed the glass in his hand and downed it in one go. "I've got a better chance than you, though, Weasel."

"Ah, shut up, Wilson." Wade started laughing. "But seriously, are you actually _trying_ to pursue her?" Wade shrugged.

"I don't know."

"Well, I say don't bother. She's out of your league." Weasel smirked, ducking as Wade threw his glass at the man's head.

''

Penelope Langly was having a rather nice night. She had only seven people come through and she was almost certain nobody else would be dropping by, namely because her eyes and ears in city were keeping track of everything that was happening. If there were to be any fights, she'd hear about it. Having said that, though, she let out a groan as a voice filtered through her establishment. She knew that voice and she wasn't fucking happy about it at all. Her night had just been royally fucked and left without any sort of financial compensation.

"Into the room. Place him on the table. Leave him there and get back to your original stations." Penelope had no time to spare as she immediately began working on the man.

"What the fuck is wrong with him?" The dark-skinned man ignored her and simply watched her. "You gotta be kidding me."

"We need him alive and awake. Do your thing, Penelope."

"No."

"Do it. Now."

"Fuck you, Fury. I don't take orders from y-" Nick Fury, Director of S.H.I.E.L.D, shot at her, missing her head by less than an inch. She took in a deep breath and turned around, grabbing a chair and sitting down. "He'd better be worth the fucking pain, Fury." She adjusted the man on the table. "And you'd better fucking compensate me." She added as she went about her work. She placed a hand over the heart of the man on the table and closed her eyes, focusing on her own heartbeat. She lost consciousness soon after.

''

"-it. Shit. Come on, Pen. Wake up. Come on. Open those eyes, gorgeous! I'll be good. Promise. Just open them eyes, sweet thing." Penelope started to tremble. "Holy shit! No. No! Bad Penelope! Don't you even think about it! I swear I'll find someone and bring you back and you're not gonna like me when I do. I'll plague your afterlife for eternity if you think about dying on me!" She gasped, taking in as much air as she could and opened her eyes.

"Wh-wha-wh-"

"Shhh. Shhhhhhh. Wade's got you, baby. Don't worry. I'm here." He held her to him, rubbing her arms and back, hoping to get her warm. He'd walked into the Thirsty Merc Clinic and his heart had stopped when he saw Penelope on the ground, unmoving and looking blue. She was practically frozen on the floor in the most literal sense and his heart had just about stopped. Penelope was a special one, not just to him, but to just about every mercenary that existed in their part of town. She ran, for lack of a better word, a hospital. He wasn't sure just how qualified she was, but her mortality rate was incredibly low. If he thought hard enough, he'd realise that no one had ever actually died in the Thirsty Merc establishment but he wasn't all too bothered to try at the moment. He was currently preoccupied.

"I'm fine, Wade." Wade absolutely refused to let her go right now.

"You're nothing but a liar, Pen. You were out cold. Like, actual, proper, vanilla ice kind of cold. What the hell happened? Who did this to you? Who do I need to kill?"

"Shit. It's nothing. I must have fallen asleep or something." Wade pulled back and gave her an incredulous look.

"That's what you're going with? 'I must have fallen asleep'?"

"Shut up, Wilson."

"Shut up, Penelope." He mocked. His face softened and he place a hand to her face. "Seriously Pen: what happened? People don't become human ice-cubes all on their own."

"Leave it. Just drop it and leave it. If it happens again, I'll let you know. I wasn't in any danger though." He scoffed, standing up and bringing her with him.

"Tell me."

"No."

"Tell me, please?" She shook her head. Wade was starting to feel a little angry now. He had saved her life. From what? He was unsure. What he was sure about, though, was that if he didn't leave the Thirsty Merc right now? He was going to do or say something that would get him banished. "Fine. You know what? Don't tell me. I don't care. It's not like I have to fucking tell you how I get injured. 'S not like I just nursed you back to health, either. So, you can keep your fucking secret, Penelope, 'cause I don't want to know."

"Good. Now leave."

"Fuck you, Pen."

"Get the fuck out of here, Wilson."

"Fine!" He threw his hands up in the air and stalked out. "Fine! Be that way. Bitch!" Penelope merely rolled her eyes and stormed around her operating room.

''

"Oh, fuck off." Nick Fury rolled his good eye and glared at the woman. "Well, what is it this time? Gonna fuck me over well and good? Actually kill me this time? You meant to be doing a once over before the clean up crew come?"

"Stop it. You know well and good that I didn't mean you any harm." She glared at the man and remained doing so as she wondered around and prepped her room for potential patients. "I need you to pack your shit and come with me. You're needed." She slammed a metal tray onto her work bench.

"No."

"You haven't got a choice." She took in a deep breath and tried her best to calm down.

"Give me one good reason why. Just one."

"The World needs you." She whirled around.

"The _World_ needs me? _Me_? And why would it need me? Huh?"

"You need to pull your head out of your ass and think of others."

"Oh, I'm _so_ fucking sorry, Fury. I'm just love being so selfish right now, spending every single day patching people up for free because normal clinics won't deal with _their_ kind or the Government's hunting them down for no reason at all, you know? Just spending every last bit of money that I have to _help_ people who are in _need_. But you know what? I should drop everything, to help out the organisation that has tried to _kill_ me on multiple occasions and who hav-" Her rant was cut short as one of Fury's men shot her with a taser and she was down and out before she knew what was happening.

''

Penelope Langly had a rather, uh, _unconventional_ relationship with the people of S.H.I.E.L.D, in that they would call upon her and her talents and she absolutely, and with everything she had, _loathed_ the organisation and everyone in it. That being said, it was unsurprising that as she woke from unconsciousness she was completely livid.

"Fury! Where the fuck are you?! I'm going to fucking _kill_ you, you one-eyed, pirate bastard!" Fury stood outside of her room and in front of the window, stoically watching as she glared back at him.

"Calm down, Langly." She tipped her head back and growled at that. "You'll remain locked in that room until you do. Is that understood?"

"Fuck you." He rolled his eye.

"I'll take that as a yes. Someone'll be by shortly." He turned to leave. "I wasn't joking when I said the world needs your help."

''

 _Meanwhile, with our one and only, favourite, soon to be an Anti-Hero ~_

It had been three weeks since he got the news; since he found out that his body was riddled with cancer. Three weeks of being on his own, of being _scared_ and unable to find any sort of treatment. It had been _three weeks_ and now, as he was stood outside of the facility, he realised he had no other options. This was it. It wasn't like Doctor Penelope Langly could help him. She'd disappeared without a trace. No one knew where she was, no one had seen where she went. All Wade could find out was that a black SUV had parked outside of the building one day and Penelope was never seen again. _Fuck_ he wished he had have been there when some asshole decided to show up to the Thirsty Merc. They still weren't talking, though. It hadn't even been a day since their argument, since he found her lying on the floor on deaths doorstep.

"Are you sure about this, Mr. Wilson?"

"Yeah." He said nodding. "Yeah, I am. Can't get any worse, right?" He then glared at the suited man. "But if you fuck me over, I swear I will find you and I will make sure that you taste your own intestines twice before I finally let you fall unconscious. Got it?" The man nodded, his head moving frantically. "Okay than. Let's go make me super!" He cheered sarcastically.

''

 **Authors Note:** A Deadpool fanfic? Really?! Yeah, I know. It's not that great, but I got this little idea and it practically _begged_ for me to take it right there and then. So, I did. Here's the result. I'm not sure if he's getting the girl or what, because I plan to cross this over with Avengers. I really want to write Spidey into this, so we'll see how that goes. Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed. And yes: I know, I know. 'Not another story!', especially seeing as I haven't finished a single one yet. But I will…eventually.


End file.
